A Convenient Lie

And yet, all I have done today is write songs and procrastinate online.  And I am planning on devoting at least an hour to reading “A Separate Peace. ” Should be fun.

Still, I’m confused as to what inspires people to procrastinate.  Put stuff off.   I mean, we all KNOW we have to get it done by a certain point, and yet we don’t…strange.  What’s interesting is that some people don’t have this problem.  Or at least they deal with it better.  I personally have a pretty big problem with procrastination.

Right now, I should be studying for finals.  Pretty much all of my friends are, so it’s not like there’s anything fun to do.  But still…I’m finding other ways to procrastinate.  I guess what it comes to is dread of starting studying.  Cause then I remember how little I remember.

And then I think about getting all B’s potentially, and then about not getting into a good college.

And then I remember I really don’t care about getting into a good college.  I mean besides the initial happiness and being able to rub it in people’s faces, there’s nothing great about it.  Even if I went to Davis or Cal, it’s not as if I would get a much better job coming out of it.  I might, but not like certain.

I guess I just don’t care until moments before.

Wrote for church history last year.  I am very busy with homework so don’t want to write a whole new blog. 

Recently, a fairly well-known philosopher and theologian from the town of Hippo, Algeria, came out with a completely new idea of original sin. Published In his “Letters of the Pelagians,” he chose to approach this rather controversial idea from a different perspective.  Rather than automatically assuming original sin to be the initial eating from the Tree of Knowledge and thus categorizing it so, he chose instead to wonder what really caused original sin?  What truly tainted mankind’s past so much so that all people are born with a dark, inherent evil that broods inside of them like a malignant parasite?  He came to the conclusion that sex between Adam and Eve, not the infamous eating of the Apple, caused original sin.
One could come up with a myriad of reasons, I presume, as to why Augustine of Hippo labels the first sexual intercourse between humans as the decisive point for original sin.  The most probable, however, is his past.  Though not all scholars know this, Augustine had a rather promiscuous past, outlined in his books Confessions, which detail his path from a rather sinful youth to a much more sinless adult.  Essentially, he indulged in various sexual encounters as a youth, knowing each time that the results would be fruitless but continuing nonetheless.  Bored of his marital life, he attempted to fill the empty hole in his life with more sex, and he found that this only tore the hole wider.
So one can see, obviously, why he would be so opposed to sex, and why it would be natural for him to label it as the original evil, the cause of mankind’s downfall.

Of course, he is not the only scholar to reach this conclusion.  Plotinus, who happens to be one of Augustine’s inspirations (he praises the neo-Platonist in his book Confessions), taught that only through “disdain” for fleshly desire could one attain the ultimate state of mankind.  In other words, carnal knowledge is sin.  Ever since Augustine’s well-constructed theory, the idea has become ever more prevalent.  Engaging in lust, says Augustine, makes humanity a massa damnata, which means that sex damages the free will of the people, enfeebling (though not completely destroying) our ability to think for ourselves.  The Church has seemed to adopt this idea fairly quickly, even if not officially yet.  Christianity is being revolutionized even as we speak.  I would not be surprised if this were adopted as a new catechism.
However, we must consider: what does this mean for our everyday lives, especially if this philosophy is adopted?  Remember, Augustine is saying that the pure act of sex is wrong.  Even lustful thoughts are sinful, but indulging those thoughts is, according to Augustine, the worst sin mankind has ever committed.  What does this mean for the people?  It means that the beautiful act of creating children is wrong.  I am not one to criticize the Church, nor speak heresy, but Augustine’s radical new theories should not control our lives.
All in all, though, it is interesting and enlightening to see his opinion.  He is a fresh box of ideas in a world with a fairly closed mind.

So basically this is a song that I started yesterday.  I was writing a little about how “stupid” our youth is.  What I mean by this is that we are given access to tons of information, and so we take advantage of that access.  In this way, the Internet is great.  It opens up doors of information.  However, the problem with this is we never look past the surface.  It’s like a kind of superficial intelligence.  SI.  We know a little about lots of subjects, enough to sound smart and to embellish our knowledge with our own imagination, but not enough to actually be of use.  In addition, we get used to isntant information.  We don’t read books anymore because we have to analyze them.  I am guilty of this too.  Anyway, here is the song lyrics.  Enjoy and speculate on their meaning.  The title of “Mr Gray” is still somewhat ambiguous to me, but I’m sure if this song became famous someone would find the “true meaning” behind it.  And then give that info to everyone else.  Instant accesss.  There we go again.

shying away from the things I have to do
lying my way through the wings I got from you
we are a youth of brilliance
but the truth is our resilience

we’re paper thin we crack like glass
we cut our skin get heart attacks
we dive on in we all jump back
commit sins, they’re in the past

rationalize, nationalize our feelings
justify, testify while kneeling

I am Mr. Gray
and we have missed our day
I am Mr. Gray
and we have lost our way

and we can’t stop
unless you kill us off

I am not going to write a blog related to thanksgiving, for several reasons.

1. Though it’s a great holiday and I love seeing my family, I’ve had to write what I’m thankful for since like first grade, and frankly, I’m tired of it. It’s always the same thing: “friends, family, LIFE, food, etc.” And perhaps this is true, but what’s the point of writing a thousand journals about the same thing? Aren’t we taught that we are all unique? And if we’re all unique, then why do we stress over finding common interests? Is it because we just want one thing, one tiny aspect of ourselves, to tether us to one another? Do we really feel that lost?
2. As the first point says, I’m tired of writing stuff because I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. I can’t be original in a Thanksgiving blog. I really don’t have that many humorous anecdotes. And that’s another thing. Where do comedians get all these anecdotes? Where does anyone get their anecdotes? I like to think I live a fairly standard life, I hang out with friends, I do interesting things, and yet when it comes my time at retreat to tell my “Funniest memory liiike everrr” I’m simply lost for words.
3. I would rather focus on more important things, like my music. I wrote a few new songs today and yesterday, actually, so if you want, check one of them out here: http://sean.vox.com/library/post/would-you-rather-live-forever-or-never-die.html
4. I kind of forget what this list is for and I am too lazy to scroll up, so…yeah.

Anyway, nothing too new has happened. I still have a myriad of essays to write for school, I still have a pessimistic view on society and education which is still not getting me anywhere, I still lack motivation, I still don’t know what my future holds at all, and I still don’t care.

This may be cliche, but my family and (some of) my friends are more important to me than getting really rich and still being unhappy. Cause it’s true that money doesn’t change our state of mind.

I saw it.  Now before you start mocking me (Which I totally understand…I, after all, used to be a mocker), understand that I saw it only because the only other option was bowling, and the bowling alley was closed.

Moving onto the movie…I enjoyed it!  Again, before you mock me, know that my reaction is still somewhat unclear.  I don’t know if I loved it because of the movie itself, or because the people in it were beautiful and cool.  I mean, the scene with Edward and his sunglasses…my shriek of joy was only slightly exaggerated.  And then when he saves Bella from those molestor people…he was just soo cool.  Pretty much all the good guys were good looking too, which doesn’t hurt.

Of course, the storyline was pretty standard romance.  Just add in vampires to the plot, and you have Twilight.  The funny thing is vampires aren’t even the main point.  It’s more a love story than a vampire story.  And the first half, much of the acting/script is just terrible.  It’s awkward and funny.  But at one point I realized that I was really into the storyline.  It’s not the actors fault they were given stupid lines like “you are my own personal brand of heroin.”

Overall, though, I acknowledge the fact that I have betrayed my gender, but it’s a great movie.

Though this may be triggered somewhat by my recent incapability to get A’s, I have been thinking quite a bit about how pointless our education system is.  It sounds cliche, and I realize this, but most of what we learn is not important.  Some people counter this by saying that school teaches us “how to learn” and proves that we can learn.  Sure, that’s great, and that’s completely true.

But what I’m saying is why should this even matter?  See, the problem is that we’re so grounded in our upward bound capitalistic mindset that we never stop to think about where we are.  It’s always about improvement.  The second we win something, we’re told we could be better.  We win to advance.  We advance to win.  When does this cycle end?  It ends when we realize that we are not truly advancing.  We are staying in the same spot that we began our life, maybe a few feet to the left or right.  We’re still thinking the same, we have the same perspective (I’m assuming, since our perspective hardly ever changes).  So truly, WHAT HAVE WE GAINED?

The answer is nothing.  We have gained nothing.  Sure, we have some more cloth paper in our pocket, but can we eat that?  No, you say, but you can buy food and shelter with it.

We must regress.  We must devolve.  I say this not because I WANT to, not because it would be EASY for me, but because we SHOULD.   Let me tell you why:

If we continue our steady process of evolution and development, we will all be living in some translucent, never ending dream.  We’ll be lonely and miserable, and we’ll take synthetic drugs to wash away the pain.  And we can only progress so much.

Manifest destiny had an end.  That end came when we spread out across the whole continent.  What was once infinite became easy to cross.  We relocate, we move, thousands of miles, we think nothing of it.  Why is this?  Because it became the status quo.  Just as living underwater, just as living in space, would become the norm.  And we would continue.  And we would die.   Nothing would change.  We would still be unhappy.

Why do we need to progress?  Just because it’s human nature?  Why do we have to disobey certain aspects of human nature and yet follow other parts?  Is there some conspiracy?  Obviously not, but there is an issue of contradiction.

It will not be easy to devolve our society.  I don’t know if I could do it.  But we don’t do it cause it’s easy, we do it so those that come after us will be happy.  Because they’ll live in ignorance of something better.  Progress will be frowned upon.  We’ll live in self-replenishing societies.  And sure, maybe the soil will deplete itself after a while, but by that time, there will be worse problems.  All life will die anyway once the nutrients leave.  So that’s completely futile to fight.

I urge all readers (not that anyone reads this) to take note of this: perhaps our regression shall not last forever, but it creates content people.  And that’s the best we can hope for.

Ok so for morality, we have this assignment where we have to go without technology for four hours.  Obviously, I have forgone the assignment, seeing as I am typing on my computer right now and listening to music.  This is for a very specific reason: I am afraid of getting hurt further from this assignment.

Since I had nothing to do for four hours (except homework, which if you know me, you’d know I don’t like to do in the middle of the day), I decided to bike into town.  I was just going to enjoy myself for a little while, bike around the country, maybe pick up some money at the ATM.  Anyway, I didn’t get farther than my driveway.  I was biking with no hands, since I was putting my wallet into my pocket.  Unfortunately, there is a rather large bump at the end of my driveway where it changes into gravel.  I was unprepared for the bump, and the bike skidded.  I flew off.  I attempted to right myself in mid air, but alas, it was too late.  The bike caught underneath my foot and I smashed into the ground.  I scraped my knees along the ground for several yards, and then my head hit the ground.  Cursing, I kept moving, trying to ignore the pain.  Which was impossible.

Thus, I went inside, took a shower, washed off the blood, realized the blood would keep coming, put on some neosporne, and then some bandaids.  Now I am sitting at my computer with pain in my leg.  Not fun.

I suppose this is ironic because for once, I was attempting to get out and just spend some time by myself, getting exercise, and the one time I do this meditative act, I hurt myself.

Does irony always have to be painful?

It was amazing.  Last night I was in the city with nothing to do, and then my brother’s wife came down with a sickness and couldn’t go to the concert.  I got her ticket and got to go!!

It took place in the Grand Regency Ballroom (or whatever it’s called) in the city, and it was, as I said, amazing.  The performance style, music, and set design was all great.  The opening band was mediocre.  Noise rock requires a certain acquisition. I enjoyed it, many didn’t.

But Of Montreal itself was great.  They played all of Skeletal Lamping, some of Hissing Fauna, some of Sunlandic Twins, and more.  They even covered Nirvana.  Everyone in the crowd was really into it, and I was able to get into the front row.  I got some great pictures on my phone.  Kevin Barnes is quite the stage presence (as is the rest of the band).  He changed costumes about ten times throughout the show, going from a  white, feather vest to nothing but his golden/red underwear.  Later, he wrapped himself in toilet paper or paper mache (I’m not sure what it was).

In addition, the songs themselves were really well performed.  Kevin Barnes always amazes me with his incredible vocal range.

I’m sitting in my brother’s basement right now.  I’m in his house at San Francisco on a Friday night, but it’s really not that bad.  I only have 23 (23!!!!) minutes left before the power runs out, but it’s not that bad.  I’ll survive.  He has a charger upstairs…hopefully.  Anyway the point is that I am still blogging on his considerably nicer than mine laptop.  The post is called city of broken lights on a whim.  Don’t question it.  Partly because the Justin Timberlake song on his computer mentions flashing lights, which makes me think of the song “flashing lights,” which makes me think of the song “city of blinding lights.”  So I changed it.  Clever, right?  No.  Not clever.  Just really bored.All right, well I’ll have to wrap up this post soon, since I’m runnin’ out of battery life.  Storytime.The decrepit car soared above the young boy’s head and he sang a song of loneliness to himself.  The man felt the water pressing around his ears but he was already dead.  Dead inside because his soul was a black hole.  The same with the woman who cried alone in her car wishing her husband would calm down.  But until then she would have to wait outside.  How do these people matter, you ask?  How do these people relate to each other?  What is their purpose…Who knows?  But to them, they are the most important people in the world.  Even they don’t know their purpose, though.  Because we are all lost and hopeless.  We will never be found.  Because we are forgotten by the ones who were once searching.  The searchlights continue to flash in the forests of our minds, but they have lost their motive.  They are not truly looking for us.  And the gods up there in their castles don’t have the time to search for us, because their lost too.The Lost Generation of the 20th century wasn’t truly lost.  We are the lost ones.  We overindulge ourselves on the media and then we throw it up the next morning.  We vomit our loneliness and cry tears of brokenness.  So truly it is the city of broken lights.  These searchlights have ceased their search.  They are broken, just like us.  Broken Knights.  Like Holden Lightfoot.  But at least he tried.  We’re just meandering across golden meadows.  The only problem is when we open our eyes, we see the disaster we’ve created, the world we’re really living in.And it’s no golden meadow.  For gold is broken and lost too. 

It will arrive slowly, gradually.  We won’t see it’s approach even.  Some will.  The watchful people will notice it as it creeps us on us and murders us in our ignorant slumber.  What is this, you ask?  Destruction.  Chaos.  Oblivion.  Terror.  Call it what you want, it’s not good, and it’s also inevitable.  Because the REASON it’s happening is also the REASON why we won’t notice it coming.  We are lazy and unaware of the world around us, and so change only effects us after it happens, not during its process.  It’s the same old story.  We only know what we had after it’s gone.  We only appreciate beauty once our lives are plagued by ugliness.

We have been given everything we need and more.  Accessories are the modern Black Plague.  And accessories become necessities, and true necessities fade into the background, unimportant, unneeded, just like morality.  Necessities become accessories.  That’s why we’re dying, both spiritually and physically.  Our life expectancy is incredibly long, but we’re dead after five years.   

We are given excuses at every turn.  Laziness has always existed, but now it is acceptable.  So what do we do, you ask?  Do we throw the children with ADHD into the flames?  No.  But we certainly don’t let them do whatever they want.  Do we just abandon those with no parents?  No.  But we shouldn’t let them get away with murder either.

Societal competition is breaking down.  It is being heightened in things that doesn’t matter.  Capitalism is fine, I personally dislike it, but it works sometimes, but when the spirit of competition is transformed and loses its original meaning, then the society will be destroyed.   We care more about the sports game on TV than what is going on in the world.  Or even in our little society right at home.

And what’s this doing to the world?

Well, the combination of misplaced apathy and misplaced competition…laziness…lack of responsibility….

It shall destroy us.  Our values…love, happiness, peace, they’re being thrown out the window for what?  For a plasma TV?

We are all already dead inside.  It’s too late to stop the endless flow of hatred and apathy spewing from our lips, emanating from our darkened auras.  We died before we could stop it, we died when we first lost our souls to the currents of electricity.  I am not against technology, not at all.  No, it’s what technology does to us that I am against.  Progress in general.  It doesn’t leave people behind.  That’s what I used to think.

No, it pushes people forward that don’t deserve to be pushed forward.  They don’t deserve this.  No one does.  Because we have not proven ourselves morally.  We deserve nothing and everything.  We deserve global warming.  We did this to ourselves.

We are dead anyway, so it shouldn’t matter.